Bracelets

I wanted to share with you these wonderful bracelets that I've received from some friends. The one with the pink heart is from Cindy. She lives in Washington. A friend of hers made it for me.

The other one with the pink ribbon on the white beads was made by my friend Kathy in California.

I'm sorry that my camera isn't that great and that you can't really see the detail, but, they are both gorgeous! I will proudly where them to each chemo treatment.

I'm feeling a lot better today. I've had tons of encouragement from so many! Even from people I don't even know! There is no way that I could get through this without the love and support of my family and friends. It's hard to describe how grateful I am sometimes. God is truly loving me through all of you. I can feel it, I can see it, I can sense it. It's all around me. This is the most incredible gift I've ever been given. There really is good even amidst the bad...if you just look for it, if you just allow yourself to see it.

Someone please remind me of this in about 3 weeks when the "red devil" is making it's way though my veins!!!

The ball dropped!!

I knew it was too good to be true. Everything was going too smoothly to not have a wrench
thrown in here somewhere. Let me try to explain this.....stay with me here....this is a long post.


First let me say that I do like my oncologist. He is a cute little round man with white hair and a white beard. Dan thought it would be nice to be receiving cancer treatment from Santa Claus! Too bad his big, red velvet bag will only have toxic drugs for me. I'd prefer a good book, or at least a nice toy!

Here's where the wrench appears.....I have two types of cancer (I already knew this). One is the original DCIS (Ductal carcinoma In Situ) which is non-invasive and the easiest to treat. This means that in that tumor area, the cancer is limited to the milk duct itself. I also have IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma) in another separate area which means that the cancer has actually left the milk duct and entered into the surrounding breast tissue. This is a different ball game.
There a few factors that help to determine my personal prognosis with this disease. Here are some of the factors:

1. Type of cancer
2. Size of tumor
3. Grade of tumor
4. Lymph node involvement
5. Margins
6. Vascular involvement
7. Metastases
8. Hormone receptors
9. Kinetic DNA (agressiveness)
10. Her2/Neu

According to my pathology...we already know what type of cancer I have (see above) and the size (2.7cm x 2.0 cm x 2.1 cm). This is in the moderate range and therefore puts my tumor at a Grade 2 because it is greater than 1.0 cm but less than 5.0 cm. I had no lymph node involvement (37 were removed...ouch!!!). My margins were clear and that means that there was more than 1 cm of tissue around the actual tumor that was free of cancer. I had no vascular involvement and to my knowledge...I don't have any metastatic disease anywhere (more on that later). The DNA was good in so far as it shows slow growth and that I have a low risk for recurrence. Yippy.
I thought that I was hormone receptor positive. This means that my tumor thrives on the estrogen that my body produces. This would have been a good thing because there are drugs (like Tamoxifen) that block the estrogen from the cancer cells. However, that information was regarding only the one part of the tumor that is DCIS...the non invasive kind. Statistically, DCIS is hormone receptor positive 80% of the time. Unfortunately....they did NOT do this test on the invasive portion of the tumor. This is a totally separate type of cancer and therefore I cannot assume just because the one is positive...the other will be too. If it is hormone receptor negative...this is not a good thing. It doesn't necessarily mean that I will die tomorrow...but it does mean that one type of ammunition to fight the cancer is not available to me. Rats. My oncologist said he spoke with the pathologist about this today and they will do that test tonight and should have the results sometime next week. More waiting!!!

The Her2/Neu has to do with certain proteins and gene amplifications. Very confusing. All I know for sure is that high levels of this protein indicates that there is poorer survival and also this can make the cancer less responsive to certain types of chemo although they can be treated with something called Herceptin but I don't know much about it. The other part of the wrench here is that they also neglected to test my tumor for this too.

So....all of this to say that I am without two very vital pieces of this puzzle when I thought my puzzle was complete. The outcome here is directly related to my long term survival and this scares the "you know what" out of me.
On a slightly positive note.....he says I don't have to have radiation.

One last thing....in the next two weeks I need to have the following:

1. Port-a-Cath inserted into my right chest area under the skin which will remain there for one full year following the completion of chemotherapy. (Good bye drains....hello portacath).
2. Nuclear Medicine full body bone scan
3. Cat Scan (with contrast) of my chest, pelvis and abdomen
4. Muga Scan (I think this checks to see if my heart is strong enough for the effects of the chemo).

Needless to say, I'm a nervous wreck about all those tests...I mean, technically, I could have cancer all over my body and not even know it. I swear I will be totally gray from worry before my hair falls out!!

I'm walking around in a daze. The reality of it all has hit me yet again. This isn't something than I can fool around with. I'm fighting for my life here and I'm not sure I can handle it. I don't know what to think, how to be, or what to do. All I know is that today...for this minute, I feel very alone. I know there are tons of people praying for me everyday and I'm so thankful...but today, I'm having a "Garden of Gethsemane" moment. I don't want this cup...

Some pictures of Tropical Storm Fay!!

These are just some random shots that Dan took on Friday morning. Lots of tree limbs and branches all over the road and our yard. Our beautiful oak trees that have the most lovely Spanish moss hanging from them are less "mossy" now. The squirrels won't go hungry this winter as there are millions of green acorns all over the yard. It certainly could have been a lot worse than it was. My heart goes out to all of those people on the gulf coast that are awaiting the arrival of Hurricane Gustav.

I apologize for the hodge-podge of pictures in this post. I have yet to figure out how to get them placed exactly like I want them.

You can click on them to make them bigger. I promise to get better at this blogging thing.

I'm Back!!

Sorry for such a long delay in posting. Since Tropical Storm Faybegan hitting our area about five days ago, we've been without phone service, internet service or cable. We lost power for about 24 hours. Other than having to throw away everything in the freezer and refrigerator...we did pretty well. There is still lots of debris in our yard to be cleaned up. We're working on it but it keeps raining and it makes the clean up a little messy.
The kids were out of school for a total 3 days! Hopefully we can get into a groove again pretty quickly.

My first day back to work since the surgery is tomorrow. Part of me is looking forward to it but I know these first few days will be very tiring. I was able to spend my last day of medical leave
trying on wigs, hats and scarves. There really is nothing that matches my hair color exactly so I will probably go back to what I was before gray....brunette! I imagine it will look strange to some people, but, it will probably make me look alittle younger! Besides, it's only temporary.

I haven't had a chance to check my email yet so if any of you are wondering why I haven't responded....you can blame Tropical Storm Fay. My appointment with the Oncologist is still on Thursday. I'll be posting again later this evening when I don't have three little people all trying to get my attention!!

No more "Yaweh"

Well, it looks like parishes all over the U.S. will have to find an alternative to the frequently used song "You Are Near" according to this article from Zenit.

I wonder how many will actually heed this new directive and follow the rules? Personally, I like the more sacred and traditional music at mass anyway. For whatever reason, it just seems more appropriate. Go ahead...call me an old fogey or ultra conservative...I can take it. I've been called worse.

Schools in....no out!!

Tropical Storm Fay is causing a lot of disruption around here. For one thing, Monday was Amelia's first day of school (see above picture!!)....and now they have closed the schools for today and tomorrow! That means it's like 2 additional days of summer! Are you kidding me????? In addition to that, the weather is NASTY and therefore, we all must stay inside. So far, it looks as though it will get worse before it gets better. We lost power for a short time last night and they have flickered once already this morning. I see no air conditioning in my future!

This is going to be one of those days.....here's my morning so far:

1. The dog has to go out to relieve herself, but, she doesn't like rain. So, I open the door only to have her sit there and look at me like, "Well, do you expect me to get wet?".

2. Olivia is still asleep (it's 8:22am right now) and the longer she sleeps, the more crabby she'll be when she wakes up.

3. Nathan is sitting on the couch watching Curious George....totally ignorning the tornado that has hit his room.

4. Amelia is sitting at the kitchen table eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs (oh so healthy)....through a straw that she found in the pantry!!

5. Dan has gone to a doctors appointment, so I am all alone.

6. I am still working on my first cup of coffee which is now cold.

I love days like this....don't you??

Uh oh....I hear Olivia, she's up. Pray for me.

Question?

This is why I am....why are you?

I'm Free!!

Finally! I have nothing attached to me! Dr. Felger took the last drain out today as well as the last of the staples. Hurray! It is such a relief. Tonight, once the kids are all bathed and in bed...I'm going to take a nice, long, hot shower....and probably cry. (***MAK, thanks for the beautiful basket of goodies that came in the mail today! It smells great and I will use it for my shower tonight!!) For whatever reason (I'm sure many) and feel very depressed today. In a way, I think I had become somewhat attached to my surgeon. I don't think it's him personally...just that, as long as I was under his care, nothing else was going to happen to me. Now, I'm into the next phase and I'm scared. I have an appointment with the medical oncologist next Thursday (8/28) in the afternoon. I am so not looking forward to this. He also released me to go back to work as of 8/19/08. It's funny because at first he told me that I'd be out of work at least a month but now in truth...it's only been two weeks. I can't go back this week because we made some other appointments so, next Wednesday I'll be back in the swing of things.

Also, a couple of days ago, I had to have my wedding rings cut off. This was more traumatizing than I thought it would be. Because the surgery was on my left side, and because they took so many nodes....this side will more than likely always be a little bigger and more swollen than my right side. This added to the weight I've gained over the last 11 years (and 3 Csections!!) made my rings so tight that it hurt. I need to wait another week or so and I can get them resized. But for now, it feels strange not to have them on.

I hope I'm ready for this next part of the journey. On the outside, I feel ready but deep down on the inside, I'm so scared that I can hardly breathe. All I can do is think about my kids and how much I want to be here for their futures. One of my prayer has always been to ask God to please let me live long enough to see my kids independent, healthy and happy. Now, I'm simply asking that he allow me to live long enough so that Olivia will remember me. I'm petrified of dying and somehow having them feel as though they never knew me. I was 17 when my dad died and 41 when my mom died. I have good memories of both of them. I can remember the sound of each of their voices, the way their hands looked, even the way they smelled. I want that for my children. These fears may be unfounded...but they are real for me.

On a lighter note....I need to begin to look at wigs or at the very least, hats and scarves. This is also an awful reality...I will lose my hair. The good news....I won't have to shave my legs for awhile. The bad news....well, I won't go there. Suffice it say, I have a weird shaped head and I'm not looking forward to this. I'm also not very fond of puking. I dread walking around for days feeling like "my insides want to be on the outside" (for those of you who know who Brian Regan is.....enough said).

Ok...I'm done whining. I need that shower now more than ever.

Pray that Tropical Storm Fay has a change of heart and decides to die before getting here!!

Fay is on her way!!!!

I'm quite sure this forecast track will change somewhat between now and Wednesday....but....this is just one more issue that I don't have time for!!

Hanging in There!!

I finally was able to have one of the drains removed yesterday...yea!! Yes, it hurt. The surgeon also removed about half of the staples. He asked that I return on Monday to have the other drain out and the rest of the staples. That means I have at least 4 more full days and nights of this. I am still in some pain but, nothing that an ibuprofen can't handle. I'm still very sore and very numb. The doctor said I could expect to have the numbness for a year or more.

We have yet to discuss anything about treatment yet. In some ways, I'm glad about that as this is the part that I dread the most. I'm sure that in the next few weeks, the plan for the future will begin to take shape. Until then, I'm concentrating on recovering from the surgery itself and trying to keep a good mental attitude.

School started today! My first born started 2nd grade today! He looked so handsome in his new bright white shirt and his new backpack. Amelia starts prek 4 on Monday! She can hardly wait to join her brother at Assumption and put on her uniform for the first time. After Monday, it will just be Olivia and I at home. This is so weird. They grow so fast.

At some point today, I'll post some pictures that I've been waiting to add to the blog. I'm still learning about how to do all of this blogging stuff. Adding pictures is a process that sometimes can create big messes that are hard to clean up. I have a cheat sheet that I use to help me.
We'll see if I can get them up later.

Have a wonderful day!!

0 for 37!!

There is good news to report today! Here is what the pathology report states (emphasis mine):

Left breast with axillary contents, Radical Mastectomy:

Invasive moderately differentiated adenocarcinoma, ductal type, 3.0 x 2.7 x 2.7 cm.

Associated moderately differentiated ductal carcinoma in situ is present.

No vascular invasion is identified.

Thirty-seven lymph nodes negative for tumor.

Negative surgical margins.

Nipple, no significant pathologic abnormality is identified.

This is most definitely an answer to prayer! I didn't even realize how so very worried I was until I was able to read the report. I could physically feel a weight being lifted from my shoulders and it was like I could instantly breathe easier.

I don't know what this will mean as far as treatment goes, but, I know that I will face it with more hope than before. These past few days have been very hard for me....both emotionally and physically. I want to be back to "normal" but I now have to consider what my new "normal" will be. Today, I am still very sore. My arm is sore all the way down including my forearm. The surgical tape is beginning to peel away and causing some burning and itching. Whenever I stand up (or sit down) or move around in any way, the muscles in my left chest and underarm area begin to pull and stretch! This causes great pain! Sometimes, it brings tears to my eyes. For the first few days, much of my upper left torso was numb. This was because of anesthesia and the fact that they severed many tiny nerves. The numbness is beginning to recede and thereby allowing me to feel more of the pain. I know this is normal but, it makes the reality of what has just happened inescapable. I thought I might be able to hide under the covers or hide behind pain medication for a couple of weeks and then be back in the normal swing of things. Apparently, that's not going to happen any time soon.

Peggy, who is one of the breast care coordinators that has been helping me through this, said that with this journey I will have times when it is one step forward and two steps back. She was right. I don't know if any of you are familiar with the game Chutes and Ladders (I've played endless games with my kids) but I feel like lately my life is a lot like that game. If you've played it...you'll know what I mean.

I made a point to get up, get dressed and go to mass as a family this morning. I purposely didn't take a pain pill because I didn't want to be loopy at church. Although it made sitting in the pew more painful...I felt surrounded by family and friends and I was strengthened. I didn't feel self conscious about my chest being flat on one side. I felt loved and supported. I am still overwhelmed by the love and care that our family has been shown through this time. A dear friend likened it to those Verizon commercials....you know the ones...where the whole Verizon team follows behind the customer. This is EXACTLY how I feel!! You guys are the BEST team I could ever have! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!

2nd Day Home

Today was my second full day home. I must say, recovering at home is much nicer. Don't get me wrong...absolutely ALL of the nurses and techs that took care of me were great! Everyone was really nice and were very attentive to me. Still, being home in your own bed is much better for your health....at least your mental health.

I went to the doctor today in hopes of getting one of my drains out. Unfortunately, he said they both were still draining alittle too much to be taken out yet. I'll go back on Monday afternoon for that. Also, there was not yet a pathology report available so we still don't know exactly what we're dealing with. I was really nervous about hearing those results. Once I realized that I wouldn't have that information today and that they weren't going to take out the drains.....I couldn't help myself but I cried like a baby. The doctor had left so it was just Dan, myself and the breast care coordinator. For whatever reason, I was just overwhelmed. Some of it I know is still fear. I guess fear and I will become close friends over the next few months. But I think it was also...sorrow. I am just so sad right now. Sad that my husband and kids are having to deal with this. Sad that my family and friends are having to band together to help, and sorry that when I look in the mirrow...a piece of me is gone. It's strange, I mean there was no "working my way up" to not having a breast. It was just there one day and then the next.....gone! It's quite startling to look at. This will take some getting used to. I'll get there...I know I will.

In the meantime, I am being cared for by the most loving people. God has so richly blessed me with friends and family that at times I feel like the luckiest person on earth. I got flowers from my sister-in-law today. Cookies from my good friend Mary. Calls and notes from several people. Masses and novenas are being said.....it is incredible. I know there are many people out there who are in more need than I am and so all I can do is humbly thank everyone. Most of you will never know how much I appreciate your prayers and your loving presence in my life.

You will all be in my prayers tonight!!

Ouch!!

The pain seems a little worse today! I can't really get comfortable. The drains are a the worst part. Luckily, Dan and my good friend Diane are able to help empty them for me. They say that I should be able to do it myself, the thing is...they are in a real awkward place and it's hard to reach. I have an appointment with the surgeon tomorrow morning. He said he plans to take one of the drains out.....Ouch!!
I sometimes feel alittle woozy when I first stand up. It reminds me alittle of my c-sections...moving very slow and no bending or lifting.
I'm so glad to be home though. Dan has gone to pick up the kids. I missed them so much. I want to see them so bad, yet, I'm scared that they'll get too close and pull on the drains. I did it once by accident and I can tell you....I've never know anything to hurt so bad...including labor!

Well, here's to family, friends and healing!!

I'm Home

Well, I'm home. I know I just left here yesterday, but it seems like a lifetime ago. I'm doing good but very sore. Dan has gone out to get my prescription filled. I'm moving very slow and feel pretty winded just from getting dressed and coming home so I'll keep this short.
Suffice it to say....the surgery was great (cause I was snoozing), recovery was not so good...long story but let's just say I'm glad thats over. Post op day 1 is ok.

It sure looks different. I think this will take some getting used to for sure. Anyway, more info when I'm feeling up to it.

Almost There

Control is a strange thing. Most of us want it in just about every situation we can think of. Then, when we get it, we don't know what to do with it. In reality, we only think we have it anyway. I suppose this is why I've always hated to fly. You have to leave everything up to the pilot. You can't really see where you're going or where you've been. You just have to trust that the pilot and air-traffic controllers all know what they're doing and that they are having a good day.
This cancer and surgery thing is pretty much the same. I can only do so many things to prepare. Once I've done everything that is in my power (we humans really like power), then I truly just need to leave it all up to the surgeon and to God.
This, my dear friends, is much easier said than done. I don't know if I'll ever master it.

Today was very special. I was able to go to confession before mass this morning. Our family was asked to bring the gifts up to the altar at the offertory. Then, after mass, Fr. Fred gave me the annointing of the sick. All in all, it was a very moving experience.

I'm so thankful for my faith and for all those whom God has brought into my life. I am so blessed.

Dan will update here tomorrow to let you know that the "task" has been completed!!! Next time you see me....you'll see a little less of me....and I might lean to one side some!!! :)

Who Am I ?

For those of you who have known me for any length of time, know that I have a kind of "music thing". I don't sing and I don't play an instrument. What I mean by "music thing" is that music....does something to me. It always has. I've never been good with words and so I've always found that music has helped me to express myself. Every once in a while, I come across a song that I've heard hundreds of times...and one day....the words mean something new and something life changing. The following is one of those songs.....

Who Am I ? by the Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours.....

Anyway, it struck me that while I am just a simple, sinful human being....that He still hears me when I call on Him and He still catches me when I fall. I am definitely calling and definitely falling right now...and it's then that I know He hears me...and carries me.

You could most definitely go to YouTube to see the video of the artists performing this song....but, not long ago, someone showed me this video that I thought was awesome. Watch the video, hear the words, pray them.